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We have become accustomed to politicians shouting at each other, and confrontational TV talk show hosts who do anything but listen to their guests, but how good are any of us at truly focusing on the words of others in our conversations?

Listening is a lost art, according to Kate Murphy the author of “You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters,” and the cost to our health, our relationships, and our society is steep, she says. Murphy explains how the modern world has shaken our capacity for deep listening and what we can do about it.

Three Takeaways:

• Our inability to listen to each other has contributed to all sorts of problems, including a worldwide loneliness epidemic, says Murphy. In the 1980s, about 20% of Americans said they often felt lonely and left out. By 2018, nearly 50% said they did not have frequent meaningful social interactions, according to studies the author writes about in her book. Murphy also points to a rise in so-called “diseases of distress” associated with loneliness, including suicide, drug addiction and alcohol abuse.
• Distracting technology, particularly smartphones, has played a significant role in degrading our ability to listen and connect with others face-to-face, says Murphy. The result is “soul-sucking conversations” that leave people feeling empty and alone. Social media, where everyone is “starring in their own movie,” has also exacerbated the problem, she adds. However, Murphy thinks that the social isolation induced by the pandemic has led to a greater appreciation of the value of in-person relationships.
• Want to become a better listener? Murphy says it is not hard. A good test, to discover how well you were listening after a heart-to-heart conversation, is to ask yourself two questions. First, what did I learn about the person I just listened to? Second, how did that person feel about what we were talking about? Much can be revealed by non-verbal communication and voice tone, she says, so pay attention to those things as well.

More Reading:

• In this article for The New York Times, Murphy writes about how the coronavirus pandemic reduced our social circles and why that could be a good development. 
• Here are some more tips on the art of listening and also advice about the perils of listening too well - it can be exhausting, as one introvert explains.
• Check out our previous interview on the show with David Owen, the author of “Volume Control: Hearing in a Deafening World,” on why an increasingly noisy work is changing our ability to hear and even causing hearing loss.