The problem with Donald Trump insulting his opponents isn’t political decorum, it’s that his insults are dull and witless. It can be done right and yesterday the Boston Globe provided a menu of clever political attacks. Let’s remember though that the greatest practitioner of the entertaining political jibe in history is Boston’s own James Michael Curley. Here are a few, from Curley’s autobiography I’d Do It Again: A Record of All My Uproarious Years.
As Curley gave a speech explaining his plans to aid the poor, a woman accused him of exaggerating the problem. “Madam,” Curley responded, “judging from the finery of your attire I would say that you know little about the problems of the poor and needy. I doubt that you even have a family to fend for. My guess would be that your only dependents are a cat and a canary.”
During a political rally Curley was heckled by some miscreants in the crowd. He responded “You are nothing but a pack of pickpockets and second-story workers. You are a bunch of milk bottle robbers and doormat thieves, and I know you all. I shall be elected Mayor of Boston, and if there is anyone here who doesn’t like the idea, here I am. Would any of you bums like to step up here and make anything of it?”
On another occasion Curley closed a rally by leading the crowd in The Lord’s Prayer, but was interrupted when he spotted a thief making off with his coat. That led to this aside to an aide: “Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us . . . (“Get that son-of-a-bitch who’s trying to run off with my coat) . . . and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil, Amen.”
One of the banes of Curley’s existence (there were quite a few) was the Good Government Association, known to Curley as the “Goo-Goos,” founded by former Boston mayor Nathan Matthews, Jr. and other Brahmins. As he walked along Beacon St. one day Curley spotted Matthews, carrying a tattered cloth bag and chatting with a group of leading citizens. “I am delighted, Nathan,” Curley greeted the former mayor, “to see that you are still carrying your burglar tools in your Harvard bag.”
Campaigning for Congress against incumbent James A. Gallivan, Curley had this to say of his opponent: “Congressman Gallivan has two degrees, one from Harvard and one from the Washingtonian Institution for Dipsomaniacs. As you know, the hotel rooms in which Congressmen live in Washington have bells that summon members of the House to a roll-call vote. Unfortunately, the pubs and taverns in Baltimore frequented by my opponent are not equipped with bells, which accounts for Gallivan’s impressive absentee record.”
In 1942 Curley ran against incumbent Tom Eliot for Congress. Eliot was the son of Reverend Samuel Eliot of the Arlington St. Church and the grandson of President Charles W. Eliot of Harvard. He was also a Unitarian, a disadvantage in heavily Catholic East Boston, where Curley had this to say: “I don’t believe the God-fearing citizenry of East Boston understand the Unitarians. They are a curious sect who seem to believe that Our Lord Jesus was a young man with whiskers who went around in his underwear.” Curley continued that at Harvard there is an entrance arch with Veritas, meaning truth, inscribed above it. “The next time Tom Eliot enters Harvard Yard, I suggest that he climb over the fence rather than attempt to pass under the arch inscribed with the word Truth, or the slab will surely fall.”
Try to trump that, Donald. You may have written The Art of the Deal, but Curley was the master of The Art of the Political Insult.